The Downfalls of Dieting

The 6^th of May is International No Diet Day, this day was started by Mary Evans in 1992 after her struggle with anorexia. The purpose of the day was to help men and women around the world appreciate their own bodies, celebrate body acceptance, body and size diversity and the day is dedicated to promoting well-being over weight loss. It also aims to raise awareness of the potential dangers of dieting.

This got me to reflect on how years of dieting affected my life. I am so grateful that there is such a day and a growing anti-diet movement that hopefully will one day end diet culture.

My dieting days began at the age of 12, a typical age for young girls to go on their first diet. This was the beginning of over 30 years of dysfunctional eating, food obsession and negative body image.

Whilst I am grateful for my struggle with food and dieting because it has come with so many blessings like bringing me to this meaningful work, helping others, practicing mindfulness and meditation, learning about self-care, boundaries and many other things. Thinking about dieting brought back so many difficult memories of those dreaded dieting days. I was reflecting on the negative effects of dieting on my life and the lives of most of my clients. The dangers of dieting are multi-faceted and have an effect on our body, our mind, our heart and our soul.

Body

I never actually lost the weight permanently. I would lose it and gain it back and lose it and gain it back. This went on for three decades.

My metabolism slowed down, which led to thyroid issues in my later years. My weight set point just got higher and higher and it became more and more difficult to lose the weight.

I put my poor body under such distress. I took injections and pills that led to heart palpitations and sweaty palms. Never did my mother and I think to ask what was in the injections or what the side effects were of those pills? Anything was okay in the name of thinness. A few years ago I discovered that those pills (Ponderacs) have been taken off the market because of the high incidence of strokes. My body suffered the abuse of over-exercise and living on very little food. It now makes sense why I couldn’t concentrate at school. I thought of the hours at the gym atoning for my sins and running until the point of exhaustion before an evening out, so that I could have dessert or extra wine. I believed that I needed to earn the right to eat. I was completely disconnected from my body. I had no idea how normal hunger felt in my body. I only knew starving and stuffed. Not only did my body endure physical abuse, but the internalised verbal abuse was equally painful.

Mind

I would lie in bed at night doing an audit of what I ate and promised myself I would eat less the next day. The next morning my mind would immediately go to food and how I was going to be “good”, as if my goodness depended on what I ate. “Good” meant no sugar, no carbs and no “cheating” or sticking within my point range. My behaviour became so dysfunctional that if I but licked a spoon of Nutella, all was lost and a binge would follow, sometimes for days. The post-binge beating myself up and the barrage of judgement was so debilitating, I would be ratty and grumpy with anyone who crossed my path.

I would always worry that people would judge me about my body or what I was eating. I remember friends of my mother’s telling me what a pretty face I had and if I could just lose the weight! I felt embarrassed to eat cake in front of people. A meal out with friends was not a simple occasion, it was fraught with anxiety about what to choose and comparison – is she eating more than me? Oh good she’s eating bread – so can I! If I was in a bigger body, I would only order salad. I felt that people at the gym were judging me, that people everywhere were judging me but the truth was, that my judgement of myself was far worse than anybody else’s could be. Nobody could hurt me more than my own harsh thoughts.

Heart

My happiness was determined by the number on the scale. If the number went up or I was gaining weight, despair and depression would set in; euphoria and triumph would follow if I was losing weight and the number was going down. There was promise and hope at the start of a diet only to be feeling crushed and shameful when the weight would come back on again. I believed I was a failure because I couldn’t stick to a diet and that I was destined to fail in other areas of my life. If only…I could just stick to it everything would be all right.  At the time, I didn’t know that I was part of  95% of people who don’t succeed at dieting. Not because we are deficient but because diets are inherently faulty. I remember how addictive the praise and compliments were when I would lose weight and the shame when it would come back – wanting to hide away and not see anyone.  My mother would give me the disappointed sigh and “look” of “hmm she’s done it again”.

When my life felt out of control, dieting was the answer, it provided structure and safety. It provided a distraction from things that were too difficult to address.

Soul

My soul ached for connection and fun. But I would turn down invitations to pool parties or to weekends away because I didn’t want to be seen in a swimming costume. I would decline invitations because I couldn’t trust myself around food and buffets. I denied myself so many things because I believed I wasn’t worthy in the body I had. Often, I didn’t go to parties, auditions or interviews. As a way to compensate, I would either be drinking or eating to numb my dreams and hopes. When I met my husband I couldn’t believe that he loved me and chose me.  When my daughter was born I felt such shame that I couldn’t lose the baby weight and felt desperate every time I would re-join weight watchers and fill in my tracker with the points of the day. I would compare myself to thinner moms and it felt that they just had it all together and I was floundering between a career I hated, a body I hated and navigating motherhood. This story is by no means unique. It’s the sad tale of most people with a history of dieting and hating their bodies in a culture that promotes a certain body ideal.

When are we going to acknowledge the dangers of the dieting and the pursuit of weight loss? These dangers affect our bodies, our psychological well-being, our behaviour, our emotions, our souls and ultimately our lives.

I am very grateful that I found my way out of this prison. If you are reading this, please know that there is hope, it doesn’t have to be a struggle. There is a way out.  The first step is taking the brave step to stop dieting once and for all.

May we all be free from suffering around food.
May we all be free from the struggle with our bodies.
May we all find peace with food and our bodies.

Wishing you well,
Xen

Hello, I'm Xen. Welcome!

I help women all over the world drop the struggle with food and their bodies to create a life of peace and freedom.

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